Friday, October 19, 2012

A Jellyfish-in-the-Ass Kind of Day

This has been one of those weeks. Or so I thought.  Then I read this. And realized, I ain't having a bad day...


Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister.

"Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea and heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water; it's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my arse started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my arse was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my arse.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut."

So next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your arse. Now repeat to yourself "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job!" Whenever you have a bad day ask yourself "Is this a jellyfish bad day?"

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Hold The Phone! No...Really.

This week, I had what would normally be a catastrophic event for most people....I broke my phone.  Not intentionally, mind you, but a perfect drop and the only rock within 20 yards, and my verbal link to the outside world was severed.

And I could not have been happier.  First of all, I found 3 dollars on the ground, and it was $2 Fried Chicken Day. Score! How can one be distraught when there's free fried chicken?

But the real glory was in that NO ONE COULD REACH ME.  It was like a self-imposed isolation that so few of us ever get.  I got more WORK done, more PLANNING done, and more RESEARCH done, than I have in weeks.  It was glorious.

This was almost a perfect test case for the disaster plan I had worked out a few months ago.  There were still a few hiccups, which I have now addressed, but all in all, this was a great thing that happened.  And the PRODUCTIVITY? Worth it!

Finally, the lasting benefit is that at least two people have given up calling me.  Now to get the remaining 67 to stop, and life will be even better...

Friday, October 5, 2012

Why am I Peeing?

I had a grand podcast conversation yesterday with Debbie and Karen of Cool Cooking.com and Book Goodies.com.  One thing that came out of that was the need for social media when it comes to promoting a book.  In short. I hate it.  The landscape has no roadmap to explain how to do it, when to do it or what do do.  And that frustrates me.

At the end of the day, I want to connect with people. Real people.  Not tweets, or twits, or status updates or GPS coordinates. Maybe someone likes what I'm doing. I thank you for that. And equally so, maybe someone doesn't like what I'm doing.  Guess what? I thank you for giving a damn either way.  So in the world that is evolving of he said, she said, shares and forwards, let's not forget it is about connecting with people. People like a Sacramento-based Karen who loves Voodoo Donuts, or a Rochester-born Debbie who is the guardian of secret family recipes. Or my story (and books)...besides, if you don't connect, I can't send you our family's wonderful pecans!